I just received an e-mail message which opens with this interesting little announcement:

Sam,

You were recently chosen as a potential candidate to represent your professional community in the 2010 edition of Who’s Who among Executives and Professionals.

The missive came from Heritage Who’s Who (among Executives and Professionals) of New York. It was signed by Chris Jespersen, identified as the “nominating committee secretary.”

My first reaction was, YES!

And ain’t it about time that someone recognized greatness and purity in its rawest form.

As these thoughts flashed through my brain, the second reaction was a spontaneous query of my own making:

And what took those New York dildos so long to get my name on the rolls of the greats and the near-greats?

They never checked 200 N. Comal

Remarkable! Yes? And would this be possible for an outlaw journalist? And could the “nominating committee” be unaware of the fact that they have more pictures of me at my old residence at 200 North Comal than my mother ever possessed?

Probably not, I surmised. And how would the New York nominating committee for lionization of great community leaders and executivespossibly know that 200 North Comal Street in San Antonio is the address of the Bexar County Jail?

With harsh reality already seeping into my mind, and with the scent of decomposing rat carcass starting to assault my smeller, I continued on with Mr. Jespersen’s tantalizing e-mail.

After his opening line announcing my recent selection as a potential candidate for the big Who’s Who book, Chris Jespersen continues:

We are pleased to inform you that your candidacy was formally approved December 4th, 2009. Congratulations!

A fitting addition indeed

The Publishing Committee selected you as a potential candidate based not only upon your current standing, but focusing as well on criteria from executive and professional directories, associations, and trade journals. Given your background, the Director believes your profile makes a fitting addition to our publication.

There is no fee or obligation to be listed. As we are working off of secondary sources, we must receive verification from you that your profile is accurate. After receiving verification, we will validate your registry listing within seven business days.

Once finalized, your listing will share prominent registry space with thousands of fellow accomplished individuals across the globe, each representing accomplishments within their own geographical area.

To verify our profile and accept the candidacy, please visit here. Our registration deadline for this selection period is December 31, 2009. To ensure you are included, we must receive your verification on or before this date. On behalf of our Committee I salute your achievement and welcome you to our association.

Sincerely yours,

Chris Jespersen

My “verification?”

Who is to “verify” my standing as a pillar of the professional community, an iconic giant among executives and professions all around the “globe?”

I don’t believe we could count on Charlie Kilpatrick, the “Texas Cavalier” editor-publisher of the Express and News who snipped my string at the newspaper for allegedly “associating with undesirable” elements.

In his Texas Cavaliers monkey suit, Charlie was the only member of this moneyed menagerie of self-imagined “blue bloods” who could stay in step during street parades. And I fear he never forgave me for fleering and japing at his brother “Cavaliers.”

The late Jack Hanratty, my friend and the biggest sports bookmaker in South Texas, was the first to label me an “outlaw journalist.” And if Jack were here today, I dare say that the wily old odds-maker would put little stock in my inclusion in a New York Who’s Who among Executives and Professionals journal.

Bullshit still walks

Jack always said, “Money talks and bullshit walks.” And the Who’s Who nominating committee hasn’t offered to pay me a cent for emerging as a great community leader.

So, without official testimony as to my qualifications for “Who’s Who” classification, it took me only a few clicks of the mouse to verify the obvious.

The 2010 Edition of Who’s Who among Executives and Professionals is a vanity scam. Sort of reminds me of the Doctor Hook lyrics in the Shell Silverstein blockbuster recording “Cover of the Rolling Stone:”

We take all kinds of pills

To get all kinds of thrills

But the thrill we’ve never known

Is the thrill that will get you when you get your picture on the cover of the Rolling Stone.

Any sucker stupid enough to “verify” his candidacy as an inductee into the Heritage Who’s Who among Executives and Professionals, is the same breed of ego turkey who would get the ultimate thrill of seeing his name in a worthless and meaningless book.

Bend over, boys

Then comes the hook. If he wants to see the publication, he must buy it. Bend over and grab your ankles.

A Google search turned up the truth. One guy wrote, “I used to work for this company, and yes, people, it is 100% a con. People buy these incredibly expensive books which are meaningless. Nobody should support this outfit.”

Another prospective inductee notes that he hasn’t had a paying job in five years. “Perhaps I would be more qualified if this were Who’s Who Among the Unemployed,” he wrote, “or Who’s Who on their spouse’s shit list.”

So I messaged nominating committee chairman Chris Jespersen back, suggesting that he shove his Heritage Who’s Who among Executives and Professionals way up there where the sun never shines. And that’s all.

Once a nobody always a nobody.

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